


Gain the weight of you and lose it

by Malec_Lover23



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Blood and Injury, Blood and Violence, Character Death, Crying Magnus Bane, Good Friend Catarina Loss, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Immortal Magnus Bane, M/M, Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss Friendship, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Feels, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Post-Canon, Sad Ending, Sad Magnus Bane, Seriously This is Sad, Unhappy Ending, he DOESNT GET THEM, he doesn’t get them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:34:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28063272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malec_Lover23/pseuds/Malec_Lover23
Summary: **No happy ending, all angst and major character death. Saddest thing I've ever written.**Also I wrote this in thirty minutes while crying...Can you tell? (Yes, you can)
Relationships: Magnus Bane & Catarina Loss, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 49
Collections: Fluff vs. Angst Battle 2020





	Gain the weight of you and lose it

**Author's Note:**

> I know I’ve been slackinggg with prompts and my other stories I’m sorrryyyy and this is sad so I’m not really delivering 
> 
> I hope you enjoy...even a little bit...I hope it makes you feel things bc that’s what being a good writer is...let me know if it does...

As the demon tears into Alec's chest and he falls to the cold concrete, a thousand thoughts run through Magnus' head all at once. 

Only one seems to become vocal. 

"No, no, Alexander. We still have time, there's still so much we haven't done yet." Magnus cries, falling to Alec's side. He sends a fire ball with an insane amount of fury towards the demons left, killing them in an instant. 

Magnus never thought he would have to speak these words to his Alexander. Magnus never thought he would have to prepare himself for the single most biggest and painful loss he has ever experienced and will ever experience. 

He had so much hope in the immortality rune on Alec's heart now soaked with blood. He had so much hope in the rings they wear that can track and locate within seconds. Magnus has always been too hopeful throughout his life, and this time is no difference. 

He should’ve learned. He should’ve known his happiness comes at a harsh price. It always has. It always will. 

Magnus didn't really think about how much damage a pack of demons could do in seconds, even to a trained and experienced Shadowhunter.

They should've kept walking. They should've just went home. They've should've ignored the shrieking of demons being summoned as they walked from the Hunters Moon. There's so many things he should've done, because then he would still have his sweet Alexander whole, and not bleeding out in the alleyway.

Now that's all he's thinking about as he calls all the magic within his body to stitch, heal, protect. 

Alec shakes his head, lifting his hand to place it over Magnus' trembling ones. Blue sparks crackle off his palms and into Alec's body, but Magnus feels resistance. 

"Mags...I-I love you. More than an-anyone." 

Magnus' whole being shakes as a combination of tears, saliva, and mucus slide down his face. 

The words are so unwelcome to Magnus. He likes to hear it in the morning, combined with Alec's gorgeous smile and raspy morning voice. He likes to hear it before Alec leaves for the Institute, when his lips taste like syrup from pancakes and mint from toothpaste. He likes to hear it when Magnus visits him for lunch, carrying in boxes of whatever food Alec is craving that day. He likes to hear it when Alec gets home after a long day, the gratefulness and affection so clear in his tone. He likes to hear it when they curl up in bed to sleep and spend the next hour talking about trivial things some nights, and heavier things the next, but it’s never hard to say anything to Alec.

However, when Alec is lying on the concrete, gasping for air, the words are sickening to Magnus. His stomach coils into knots and he hurls onto the concrete. The alcohol and bile burns his throat as his vomit mixes with the dark pool of Alec’s blood. 

Magnus scrambles back to Alec’s side, gripping his hand as he sobs, “Alexander, you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone on this Earth. Thank you for making me feel alive again." 

Magnus doesn't mention that he'll want to die along with Alec. Magnus doesn't mention that it'll only be a matter of time until he does. 

Magnus doesn't mention that this is his breaking point, that he will never be happy, never be loved, never be satisfied no matter what happens after this moment. 

Because this is the last moment he'll ever have with his husband, the one who broke through all the walls Magnus has spent centuries perfecting, the one who showed Magnus the all encompassing sensation of true love. 

Alec was the only thing Magnus found that was worth living for. Sex, drugs, alcohol, temporary pleasure won't soothe the ache anymore after he experienced the perfectness that was his Alexander. 

"Thank you for sh-showing me what living is. What love is." Alec chokes out, coughing painfully as his entire chest oozes blood and ichor. 

"I'm not letting you go Alexander. I will always be right beside you. And darling, I’ve never lived as much as I have lived with you beside me. Don’t leave me, Alexander, please don’t, please.” 

"It's okay. Mags..." Alec wheezes out a breath and Magnus inhales hot oxygen at the sound of Alec's harbored breathing. "Be-be happy. Find happiness."

Magnus would do anything for Alec, but this is something he can't do for him. As the light leaves Alec's eyes, as his generous heart ceases to beat, as his lungs finally settle against his still chest, Magnus knows for a fact that is one thing Magnus won't be able to do for Alec. 

Time slows in that damn alley. It could be seconds or years before Magnus stops screaming, and the only reason he does is because his voice gives out. 

Overwhelmingly agonizing. Excruciatingly unbearable. 

Magnus climbs on top of Alec, pressing his forehead to Alec’s collarbone, imagining they’re in bed, reluctant to leave their cocoon of warmth. 

The coldness of Alec’s skin seeps into Magnus and he waits, “Alexander don’t leave me, darling. You can’t leave me, I need you. You know how much I need you. You promised you would never leave. You said you were never going to leave me ever again.” 

Magnus’ phone falls onto the concrete beside him, and he grabs it. His fingers fumble for his emergency contact list and he presses on Cat’s number. 

“Hello? Magnus what’s-”

"Catarina! Please you have to help. Christ- Cat, please!" He begs, choking on his tears as his phone trembles beneath his fingers. 

Catarina must track him, because the next thing he senses is Catarina’s protective magic crackling in the air around him. She gasps and she loses her normal iron-tight control at the sight of Magnus hysterically pouring his heart out to his dead husband. 

Magnus had some of him, and then all of him, and now, none of him. 

He had some of him when Magnus would flirt and laugh, visiting him at the Institute to see just how interested he was. He had some of him even when Alec broke his heart in the hallway of the Institute. 

He had all of him when they exchanged I love yous on the steps of the Institute, when they exchanged rings on the alter of the wedding hall, when they exchanged smiles as they traveled the world together. 

That was Magnus' past, and he never thought he would have to face a future without him, the present that now belongs to him and him alone. The harsh weight of immortality now crushing his shoulders, no longer made lighter with adorable hazel eyes and a messy head of black curls. 

"Magnus? Magnus, he's gone." A hand on his shoulder snaps him out of his remembrance. He looks down at Alexander, his husband whose blood will forever stain this alleyway, whose motionless face will forever scar Magnus’ heart. 

"Cat, no, you have to do something-”

“I can’t, Magnus. I’m so sorry. He’s bled out too much.” 

Magnus shakes his head furiously and wraps his arms around Alec’s neck, pulling his head partially into his lap. “What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t do this without him.” 

"You need to heal. Let his spirit live on within you. If you do that, you’ll never have to do anything without him.” Catarina says gently, as she kneels beside them and watches Magnus run his fingers through Alec’s hair. 

Magnus looks up to the stars, that seem strangely bright especially in the midst of New York. 

"Take me back to the night we met." He begs to anyone who will listen, "Take me back to before I even knew his name. Take me back to the moment where I can relive the best few years of my entire life. Take me back. God," He chokes on a sob, "Please, please just take me back. I'll do anything."

Catarina firmly embraces Magnus, knowing that the weight of Alec’s death will destroy him, slowly and painfully, like a rock hitting the surface of glass and the glass intricately forming a pattern as it shatters. 

Magnus’ soul and heart has left with Alec, and now he’s stuck with a shell of the man he used to be before his husband came along. He’ll never get that back, he’ll never get joy and laughter and love back again. 

Things have been ripped from his hands before. People have left him all alone at his worst moments. 

Magnus thought he has truly seen, felt, heard everything. All the euphoric exuberance, all the fiery rage, all the dense grief, all the overwhelming numbness, all the paralyzing remorse this huge world can offer an immortal. 

As he stares down at his Alexander, his Angel, his fractured heart, and his flightless soul, he realizes he hasn’t felt everything this world has offered him. 

Now he has. And even after everything he has yet to go through, loving Alexander was worth it in every sense of the word. 

Being loved by a Shadowhunter was like breathing in fresh air after a rainstorm. Being loved by a Shadowhunter was like taking a warm shower after a long day. Being loved by a Shadowhunter was like breaking the surface of the water and inhaling sweet oxygen after feeling trapped for centuries. 

Magnus will never experience these beautiful sensations ever again. 

Because with the absence of Alec, there’s no such thing as fresh air, warm showers, or sweet oxygen. 

Just an abyss of nothingness. 

Magnus has never dealt well with nothingness. 

Alec filled that void, that abyss, that chasm with his wide smiles, random declarations of love, and tender kisses. 

A concept that mundanes normally find freeing is that everything is temporary. 

Magnus has found that to be true, that nothing lasts forever. With Alec, he thought he might finally have a chance to break the chains of nothing being permanent. 

In that alleyway, as Catarina holds Magnus close and Magnus can’t bear to tear his eyes away from Alec lying still on the pavement, he feels the final lock clicking, permanent tying his wrists to a lifetime of pain without solace. 

For the first time, Magnus wants to go back in time. 

Even if he can just hold Alec once more, place his head against his chest where he can feel his steady heart beat, it would be enough for Magnus. 

Just one more second. He’ll always be vying for one more second.


End file.
